meltdown party of one

January 31, 2010

I have had a complete meltdown over tenants’ issues at house (first the office floor; latest, the septic), finances and “what the hell have we done” or are doing with our nest egg. Things have not worked out the way I had hoped. I am no closer to speaking French than I was when I left 6 weeks ago and that just eats up at me like you wouldn’t believe. We have driven to many places (Bergerac, Bordeaux, Agen, etc.), but not actually seen very much of them and usually miss the markets, days when things are open, etc. mainly due to poor planning. I’m just nasty and negative right now, but trying not to crumble. I cried for about 2 hours last night and was completely inconsolable.

“I want to just go back to what I know. I want to work at the shitty job that I detest because ‘I know’ what is expected and I receive the known paycheck, plus the necessary benefits for my family.”

“I came here hoping that somehow I would have a sign of what I, we, were going to do for the second chapter of our lives and I have no f-ing clue other than we’ll be about $50k in the red; especially if we do not sell our house which is now worth between $150 - $200k less than it was last August.”

“I’m so scared because I do not have an answer to the way I am feeling and I’m guessing that 'this' is why most people don’t chuck their jobs and situations to go live in France even though they say that they would like to while they were on vacation.”

“I feel like I made a huge mistake…”

Hank patiently sat up with me the entire cry-aide which I don’t think I will ever forget. I would have wanted to slap me, but he just listened and tried offering solutions. Crazy, ones mind you (opening a baquette/flower shop or selling our house and buying a fixer upper in Topanga are just two). But at least a calm, patient and loving voice at a time I that I needed it most.

Today, the sun came out and I actually laid in a lounge next to the house with two donkeys mulling nearby and read some of Kevin Zarley’s “Complete Wine Course” this afternoon and felt better. I actually got excited about doing some of his wine tasting suggestions and hope to go shopping soon for some of his recommended vintages . Hank and I went to Bergerac today, but because it was after 12noon and a Sunday, everything was closed….maybe next time. We actually didn’t go to shop or have lunch, so it was not a big deal today and kind of nice to see the beautiful old part of the city that way.

Hank took care of dinner. Caleigh was extremely forthcoming with what is really going on with kids her age (and quite possibly herself, but I don’t think so because she is so open). All and all, I feel a bit better. I went back to taking the whole welbrutin pill as I was trying to ween myself off this anti-depressent and taking only a half of a pill a day all last week. Maybe not such a good idea right now, although I really don’t want to have to take something all the time so when things get better, hopefully I can.

Hank’s mom just offered us a very generous loan and suggested that we not sell our house yet.

Things to ponder.